September 7, 2008
Well, for Openers, that Sucked
by Keith Weiland
Keith@IntheBullseye.com

Courtesy of a defensive gameplan that enabled the Texans to allow swift access directly into their rectums, the Steelers rode our boys to a thorough 38-17 donkey punching in Pittsburgh. Ineffective in nearly every phase of the game, the Texans found themselves down 21-0 just a few minutes into the second quarter and later behind 35-3 in the third quarter before the Steelers began resting their starters.

Yeah, it was pretty much like a preseason game for the men in black.

While a defense that gives up 183 yards on the ground is atrocious, the Texans offensive line was also a bit too generous in handing out backstage passes to meet quarterback Matt Schaub up close and personal. Rookie left tackle Kung Fu Panda had a rough first day on the job, eventually getting acquainted with the bench before the clock mercifully ended the game.

Key Play

It’s tough to say a bad spot by an official on the game’s first drive turned out to be the key play of the game, so call this key play #2 instead: Going for it on fourth-and-1 from the Steelers’ 48-yard line, Schaub appeared to sneak behind his center into the Steelers defense, moving forward just enough for a first down. Heck, even the referee signaled twice that it was a first down until another linesman spotted the ball.

While the good guys might have been hosed by that early spot, it doesn’t really mask the same sort of limp wang defense employed by the Texans in the preseason Week 3 dress rehearsal against the Cowboys. And as deflating as that turnover on downs might have been, my key play #1 is the one that sent the offense into shell shock: A missed block by fullback Vonta Leach opened up Schaub for a bruising by Steelers linebacker Lamarr Woodley. Schaub was woozy when he stood and later made some poor decisions with the football, never really getting the offense back on track until late in the game.

Game Balls

Easily the best Texans player on the field was defensive end Mario Williams. He temporarily stalled the Steelers gangbang when he sacked quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and separated him from the football. Teammate DeMeco Ryans picked up the fumble, rumbled downfield, and set up the first three points for the Texans. Williams would go on to add a second sack later in the game and lead the defensive linemen with six tackles.

Aloha, Mario. And mahalo.

Key Stat

25-138, 3 TDs

Running back Willie Parker found room all over the Texans defense. He and the Steelers running game seemed even more effective on the ground once it became painfully obvious that with a two-score lead all Pittsburgh planned to do was run the football. I mean, hello?

Blame the bad tackling and poor reads and positioning, but I’m wondering if defensive coordinator Richard Smith writes up his gameplans using Crayolas.

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