August 28, 2008
That Didn't Just Happen
by Keith Weiland
Keith@IntheBullseye.com

I bet many of you are clicking this page expecting to find a pithy yet somewhat insightful post-game regurgitation of what happened when the Texans hosted the Buccaneers in the final pretend game of the 2008 season. Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I refuse to believe anything that fake would cost me four hours and more than $200.

Call it denial, call it self-defense, I just don't want to recall it at all.

And really, do you expect me to believe that the czar of the preseason, our very own head coach Gary Kubiak, would really finish the fake pigskin capades with anything less than a winning record? Really.

So believe if you want that 16-6 final score over there in the left margin. I didn't put it there. No way. I know I just didn't sit through - much less pay full regular season ticket prices for - a meaningless show of eight, count 'em EIGHT, freaking punts by the Texans.

Nor did I even see anything to do with Texans quarterbacks completing just 45 percent of their throws or with running backs gaining just 39 yards on a 2.8-yard per carry average.

Never happened.

Game Balls

Oh, like I'm going to hand out games balls for a pretend game that somehow never took place. I suppose if I did, I might think that if DT Anthony Maddox registered a sack and interception, that maybe it was because he really wanted to prove once and for all a roster spot was deservedly his.

And maybe, just maybe, we can all leave Petey Faggins alone once and for all since he might have been not only the best corner on the field tonight - again, assuming tonight even happened, which it didn't - but the best corner this entire preseason. So there, I said it. Get well soon, Dunta.

Key Stat

20:55

Oh lord, the charade of a mirage continues, does it? Well, I doubt very seriously that any pretend team led by the preseason caesar would ever give nearly 40 minutes of possession to an otherwise feckless opponent, but assuming he did in some weirdo, pseudo-alternative universe, then that would have to be my key stat of the game.

Here's hoping the Texans mix in a running game when they play for realz in nine more days.

...which brings me to...

Ahman Green Restructures for Roster Survival

Green, likely forced with the option of either agreeing to review the financial parameters of his contract or agreeing to share Sun Chips and a bong with Ced Benson this Labor Day weekend on Lake Travis, wisely chose the former and restructured the 2008 season of his contract. He lowered his base pay compensation by $2 million this season, but increased his per game roster bonus to $200,000 per beginning Week 2.

The move ensures Green will survive the final cuts (due Saturday, though the Turk's dirty work is expected to be announced by the team on Friday afternoon). It's a nifty move by the front office, as they keep around a player that may still be the best option at running back if healthy enough to play, and if not, reduces some petty cash out of owner Bob McNair's change purse.

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