August 17, 2008
Kubiak's Preseason Pillage Continues
by Keith Weiland
Keith@IntheBullseye.com

Gary Kubiak is making the NFL preseason his bitch. With a 31-27 win on the road against the Saints, Kubiak won for the seventh time in ten fake contests as Houston's head coach, essentially making him the Ghengis Khan of the exhibition Texans.

If there were such a thing as a preseason Hall of Fame, Kubiak’s bust would have been chiseled by the second half kickoff. C’mon, a .700 winning percentage? It’s hardly a fair fight anymore. Vince Lombardi only wishes he had the same winning prowess on a preseason sideline as Kubiak.

(Okay, I can’t confirm this, but only because I’m too lazy to research winning percentages of preseason head coaches. But .700 is still freaking strong. I’m sure it must be better than Don Shula, Tom Landry, or some other overrated preseason head coach.)

In fact, I can’t think of a better way to demonstrate Kubiak's dominance as a preseason caesar than by analogy.

Gary Kubiak : Preseason :: New York Yankees : 1927

Thanks to a performance led by Kubiak’s field general, quarterback Matt Schaub, the first team offense moved at will, scoring on all three possessions for 17 first half points. So effective was Schaub, as evidenced by his 14-16 passing for 187 yards and two touchdowns. Tough to improve on a quarterback rating of 155.0, but I’m guessing Kubiak has already devised a gameplan for it.

By the time rookie Steve Slaton scooted upfield for a 10-yard touchdown midway through the fourth quarter, the inevitable became a reality. Kubiak now has just six days to rally his murderer’s row for another road conquest, this time up I-45 against the Cowboys. But fear is not just another four-letter word in Kubiak’s preseason vocabulary. Not when preseason history on his side.

Game Balls

Kevin Walter gets no respect, not even after catching six balls for 100 yards in just one half of fake season football. So noteworthy was his performance that the Associated Press named him Ken Walter in the post-game recap. What’s a baller to do?

And Kung Fu Panda deserves some extra dumplings at dinner tonight. He’s played close to a full game’s worth of exhibition football and has yet to show his rookie-ness. Brown has shown some good feet protecting the blindside, and while he is part of a line still struggling to dominate in the run game, he’s doing alright against undersized ends.

Key Stat

21 completions, 25 attempts, 289 yards, 2 touchdowns, 0 interceptions

The Saints aren’t going to be confused with having what I would call a “competent secondary”, but the Texans quarterbacks abused them appropriately enough. The 84% completion rate might have been even higher had Schaub not made the decision to get rid of the ball on his first attempt to avoid the pass rush. The quarterbacks’ success was due in large part to an offensive line that gave them ample time to throw and a pocket so deep that even made billionaire Bob McNair blush.

Up Next

The battle for Texas reconvenes in southern Oklahoma – er, Irving – as the Texans (2-0) look to embarrass the Cowboys (0-2). I shudder to think that Bum Phillips might actually be rooting for the Star in this one, what with his son selling his soul to the devil – er, Jerrah – but expect Kubiak to unleash his own version of exhibition hell on the Hard Knocks honeys.

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